We’ve had more chilly weather this week, I thought it would be a warmer by now. A few snow flurries this past Wednesday threatened my already fragile emotional state. But it’s Saturday now. I don’t have to be anywhere. No one is expecting me, and I like it that way. I have a cup of strong coffee next to my laptop, right next to my anxiety and blood pressure pills. It’s the first cup of the day, with more sure to follow. This weekend will be all about unwinding, relaxing and creativity. Behind them are little figures of John Cena, whom I’m a bit obsessed with. If you don’t think he’s gorgeous, there’s something wrong with you.
This week was not a good one for me emotionally. Issues with my crappy car triggered my anxiety and had me on edge for three days. It’s an old car, a 2001 Chevy Tracker. I hate driving it. The windows don’t work properly, the heating barely works at all, and it drives like it’s about to come apart at the seams. Remember that scene in Herbie, The Love Bug when the little Volkswagon is splitting in half, and the passengers inside are all holding on to straps to keep it together? That’s what my car feels like. The tires easily slide even when it’s been raining, I have to take corners slowly. It overheats if I’m sitting in traffic for too long. The driver seatbelt is knotted and twisted, I have to contort myself to get it on. For the kind of work I do, sometimes I have to use my car. I haven’t needed it for work in a long while, but Tuesday I was informed I may need to transport someone on Wednesday. This triggered an anxiety attack. Tuesday night I was in bed by 7pm. I was mentally drained and physically exhausted. Wednesday morning I went to get gas, and when I pulled the door handle to get out of my car, the handle broke in two. I tried to open the door with the little piece that was still attached, but it wouldn’t budge. I called my supervisor and and my husband to get advice on what to do. My supervisor said not to worry, I could use a company vehicle. Husband said to schedule an appointment with the garage. I drove it to work and climbed out the passenger side, which isn’t easy due to the gear shift in the middle. When I drove my car home from work on Wednesday I noticed a “Power” light was on. Whatever that means. It’s never happened before. Maybe I somehow turned On/Off power steering? I don’t know. When our Kia Soul is paid off (husband drives it), which won’t be long now, I’m getting another car. So there’s that. But until then, my current car is a constant source of worry and anxiety. My husband drove me to work Thursday and Friday, and I have rides home. My car has an appointment to get the door handle fixed on Monday.
All this anxiety about my car brought about some other things as well. I had some moments of low self-esteem and feelings of inadequacy. I was thinking things like, “My books are crap. No one likes what I do. I should stop writing and making candles and the other things I do“. Then I would think about all the pagans I see on Twitter who are so narcissistic and critical of what others are doing, and I would get angry and realize, “You know, I’m not doing this for them, I’m doing it for me. Fuck what they think“. I don’t need anyone’s approval for how/what/why I do what I do. I don’t get some of these people on Twitter who project a sensationalized image of themselves, like they are some kind of super-witches with perfect lives and no vulnerabilities or weaknesses. They’re not being real or authentic. It’s a false image. I don’t agree with this idea going around that if you’re a witch, you’re not allowed to have anxiety or personal struggles. Being a witch doesn’t make you omnipotent.
As far as my own classes are concerned, I think I should hold off on that until I get my anxiety more under control. I’m in no condition to teach others when I have my own issues. But I can still create. I can still write. I can still make candles. I can still make other magical tools and offer them to the community.
I get my next tattoo near the end of this month, and once that has healed and looks good, I’m going to release an updated version of Spells and Scars. I have some new material to add, along with some new pictures and poetry. I’m changing the format a little, to something a but more artsy and avant-garde. I think that will be my new writing style, a sort of magical buffet. A little of this, a little of that, but all centered around magic and self-awareness, and very personal. I’ve been reading some of Sandra Bernhard’s old books and I find them inspiring.
It’s 10am now, and my husband will be waking up soon. I foresee a Mocha Latte reaching my lips in the very near future.