That Certain Something

In my last blog post, I mentioned that if a “certain something” didn’t happen, I would be changing this blog around. Well, it did not happen after all, and I’ve decided to keep this blog as it is for now. I’ve started far too many blogs over the years and didn’t keep them going, I think I need to show some commitment to this one and not give up on it. Now, about that ‘certain something’…

I was recently involved in a sort-of audition, where I was expected to erupt in displays of excitement and/or disappointment. Needless to say, I was abysmal at it. I’ve never been a bouncy, smiley, bubbly sort of person, and even when I try to look or act excited, it just looks silly and fake. I’ve always had a solemn and serious disposition. The times that I am really excited about something, it doesn’t always show on my face. I can’t help if I always look annoyed or anxious (I’m usually one or the other), and my wardrobe consists mostly of black clothing. It’s just the way I am and it is what it is.

When I learned I didn’t make the final cut (the audition was for a new game show), I was disappointed, but I kind of already knew I wouldn’t make it. For the next couple of days after that, it kind of triggered my anxiety and brought up some other familiar feelings. Feelings of inadequacy, of not being good enough, of having my goals and dreams always just out of reach. But then I kept remembering how I looked during the sort-of audition and realized, holy fuck, I really did look horrible and fake. I don’t think I was made for TV. I wasn’t originally going to do this thing anyway, but after a couple of people encouraged me to go for it, I did. I guess it was better than not trying at all. I was lucky to get as far as I did.

It’s been brutally hot this week and we’ve had thunderstorms almost every day. I actually love thunderstorms, rain and dark, cloudy skies. I hope we get more rain this evening. Work was incredibly stressful today, so I’m thankful the weekend is here. We may actually get to do some shopping for fun this weekend, and not just for groceries or necessities.

As I mentioned in my last post, I changed my eating habits and have cut out pretty much all sweets. Not one Oreo cookie has touched my lips in the past couple of weeks. Where I would usually pick up a donut or a candy bar, I’ve been getting protein or fruit bars instead. I haven’t weighed myself since before the pandemic started, and I was at 215 then. I’m mortified to see what I am now. I have to renew my gym membership asap.

I’ve been feeling the urge lately to get rid of some things. Books, clothes and other things that don’t really fit who I am anymore.

I’m exhausted now, time for bed.

Til next time,


2 thoughts on “That Certain Something

  1. Aw, sorry you didn’t make the final cut.

    It’s not surprising you experience so much anxiety after all the trauma you went through growing up. You had to hide yourself behind a stoic exterior for so long that it is difficult to “re-wire” yourself.


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